Up a Rivers Without a Defense: Bolts 33, Birds 30

Sandwiched between a coming-out party of sorts on national TV in Washington and an emotional home game against Andy Reid's Chiefs was this game. The Chargers had just coughed up a huge lead against the Texans and blown their season opener in a manner very befitting of head coach Norv Tur...wait, what?

So even with this game being the home opener and the Philly debut of Chip Kelly, the Chargers game was almost an oversight. Naturally, what usually happens in overlooked games happens - the Eagles ran headfirst into a dumb, purple trap. (If you're gonna beat us, at least have the decency to do it in those beautiful periwinkle jerseys. Home, away, alternate, don't care. Just wear them all the time, for crying out loud).

It was an exciting, back-and-forth affair, but those are a lot more fun to go over when it's a W. Regardless, I have a job to do, so let's get this over with.

First

Nobody, and I mean nobody, works harder to get kick returns out to exactly the 25-yard line than Damaris Johnson.

Things start looking pretty similar to last week, with Jackson and Avant getting quick completions. Speaking of working hard, nobody works harder to make a three-yard gain out of a two-yard loss than Shady McCoy. Legitimate MVP possibility here.

Vick eventually takes a sack, though, and then gets hurried by Dwight “I’m Still Alive, Guys” Freeney. Punt time.

It takes no later than the first San Diego play from scrimmage for Nate Allen to grab Ryan Mathews’ face mask.  Phil Rivers guides the offense pretty effortlessly down the field for a guy who perpetually looks mad that his mom is making him make his own grilled cheese sandwich for once.

Hmph.

Hmph.

BUT MAAAAAHHHHHHMMMM!

Connor Barwin notches a sack to slow down the drive, and Danny Hard-On-Blow-Job can’t penetrate deep enough through the defense to pick up a first. Nick “Not Nate Kaeding” Novak boots one right down the pipe from 48. 3-0.

First play of the next drive, McCoy takes a wheel route catch and runs forever and ever. The 70-yard catch is the longest of his career. Brian Westbrook career-long was 62. Carry on.

After a couple Bryce Brown runs up the gut (Shady is on the sideline hurt/tired/scaring the shit out of everyone), Vick rolls out on third and goal from the 2 and hits James Casey as he stumbles into the end zone…except the ball squirts out while he rolls across the goal line. No catch, no touchdown, and no more touches for James Casey for the next eight weeks.

The field goal unit comes on to tie it, but the Eagles get flagged for somehow lining up in an illegal field goal formation, because it’s apparently possible to fuck that up too. 

"Wait, really?"

Henenenenenererererey knocks it in anyway, though. 3-3.

Chargers get backed up by a penalty on the kick return, but Rivers goes right back to picking the secondary apart.  Malcolm Floyd makes a catch near the sideline that could’ve just as easily been complete as incomplete. Refs call it a catch. Chip challenges and loses. Mad props to anyone who gets this.

Also, I'm really sorry.

A swing pass to Danny HOBJ ends the quarter as Nate Allen pleads with the ref to call it incomplete. “Listen man, my boss is gonna be pissed when he finds out I let this happen again..”

Professional blog is professionally done.

Second

Two plays in, Eddie Royal continues storming towards relevancy, turning a quick out into a touchdown.

10-3. Remember those three good games Eddie Royal had his rookie year when everyone picked him up in fantasy? Good times.

Shady’s back in. Vick goes deep to DeSean and hits him perfectly if the field were about two feet wider than it is. Shady picks up the first anyway.

Next play, Vick can’t decide whether he wants to pump-fake blitzing Charger linebacker Jarret Johnson or throw it over him, so he decides to just throw the ball at the ground instead, because sure, why not? It fortunately rolls out of bounds before anyone on San Diego can grab it, but it loses 11 yards, though it also diverts attention from Lane Johnson getting flagged for being off the line of scrimmage at the snap. A sense of déjà vu comes over me as I hear the familiar “Penalty on number 65, offense” ring through my speakers. Where have I heard that before….?

"Beats me."

That play basically kills the drive, about as badly as Jahleel Addae kills Bryce Brown on third down. This is the best video I could find for it. I’d really rather not meet the person who filmed it.

Rivers and coach Mike McCoy begin the “bleed the play clock and call a million audibles on every play” strategy on this drive, because Phil Rivers is Peyton Manning now. The Eagles finally break up a pass, but it’s pass interference on Cary Williams, so forget it.

Eagles eventually force a stop. DeMeco rips off HOBJ’s helmet on third down, exposing his pale, goblin head to sunlight for the first time in 18 months.

Not Nate Kaeding bangs another one home. 13-3.

The defense gets an abridged rest as Vick leads a swift scoring drive. Two deep strikes to DeSean, a quick scramble, and an absolute bullet into to the end zone to Football Mike Richards, who wrestles the ball from Derek Cox like it was black suffrage. 13-10.

Literally every white guy on the team goes to celebrate with him, plus Damaris Johnson, who I guess just doesn’t know any better.

Rivers keeps gashing the Eagle D over the middle with Antonio Gates and Malcolm Floyd. Before the game, there was a lot of talk over how the Eagles would defend Gates – use a safety? A linebacker? Maybe bracket coverage? – and it seems like Billy Davis went with the more progressive “don’t cover him at all” strategy for the most part. Brandon Boykin looks pretty good defending a bomb to Vincent Brown at least.

Then, holding on No. 77 of the Chargers. Wait, who’s number…

YES! THE KING IS BACK! It’s weird not hearing him get flagged for dumb penalties in his traditional No. 65, but it’s a reminder that, with all the turmoil and change in today’s world, there are a few things you can just always count on.

I’m going to have to work on the audio for this, but trust me when I say, there’s a play at the 2:33 mark of the second quarter where Phil Rivers yips like a dog being zapped with a taser when he snaps the ball. It’s great. It’s easily the best part of this play.

Oh yeah, and Boykin tomahawk chops the ball out of Antonio Gates’ arms as he tries to get into the end zone.

But really, this play is all about Rivers making a sound like a smarting poodle. We all know this.

Marty Morhniweg sneaks onto the field and steals Pat Shurmur’s headset. The offense goes three and out.

Rivers hits a streaking Malcolm Floyd on the right sideline, then Cary Williams gets flagged for PI again. Overcome with joy, Ryan Mathews celebrates in the traditional Fresno State way, by coating his hands and forearms in three-day-old bacon grease. He coughs it up on the next play, and Kendricks recovers.

Remember all those breaks the Racistnames caught last week? Yeah, it's nice to get a couple of those, eh?

Vick sails a couple throws as he gets hit, but Shady picks up the offense and moves them across midfield. Vick hits DeSean over the middle to get within field goal range, and DeSean celebrates in the traditional Cal way, by trying to pick a fight with the guy covering him.

Henery, distraught by either the fight or the fact that he’s the most European-looking guy from Nebraska ever, pushes the 46-yard kick right. First miss of the year. Whatever. Rivers sits on it to end the half.

Third

Don’t even know what to say about Malcolm Floyd except for, Jesus, man. Terrible.

After the extended timeout to cart Floyd off the field, Rivers continues to do absolutely anything he wants, all while bleeding the play clock down to 3 seconds on every play. Cary Williams gets called for PI again, but his man catches the ball anyway.

Dipshit Ronnie Brown is still alive and has two somewhat operating legs. Who’da thunk it?

On the last play of the drive, Davis drops eight Eagles back into coverage, which is apparently not enough to keep Eddie Royal from being wide the fuck open. Touchdown, Disco Bolts.

20-10. Cary Williams continuing to follow up his strong performance against Washington with an absolutely horrific all-around game.

Next drive, Vick scrambles away from pressure and launches one to DeSean…who lets it glance off his fingertips.

Bruuuuutal.

A few plays later, Vick finds DeSean for an easy TD…except Lane Johnson didn’t line up on the line of scrimmage when the play started, which is against the rules. Insufferable prick Phil Rivers even knows this and starts waving his towel around to prove it.

God. The worst.

Eagles can’t pick up the first, so Henenenenenenery comes on and knocks one in from 48. 20-13. Lane Johnson slowly beginning to transform into King Dunlap.

Defense finally forces the Chargers to punt on a three-and-out. Nice deflection by Boykin on a deep 3^rd-down attempt. Probably could have picked it off if he’d given it a shot.

Two plays into the next drive, Vick and DeSean roast Shareece “Yep, I Was Born With This Name” Wright to the tune of 61 yards and a TD. 20-20.

‘Bout time.

Defense heads out for another 25-minute Charger possession. The great safety play continues as Patrick Chung gets nailed for defensive holding. Any chance Blaine Bishop is still available?

The quarter ends with another HOBJ catch out of the backfield and taking it up near midfield. It’s crunch time, baby.

Fourth

The Chargers keep on dinking and dunking, picking up about 73 third down conversions in the process. Rivers goes end-zone for Gates, but Earl Wolff, aka Not Chung or Allen, breaks it up. Chargers settle for a field goal a couple plays later, and it’s 23-20.

Vick hams it up to try and get a late hit call as he runs out of bounds and gets bumped by Addae. Oh, Mikey, you sly dog.

Vick hits Avant, then overcomes a false start penalty with a long toss to Ertz. After working down to 3^rd and goal at the 2, the offense runs the most unstoppable play in the goal line playbook: Vick rolls left with the option to go short to Shady, go end-zone to Cooper, or run in for the score himself. He goes with Plan C, and the Eagles have their first lead.

27-23. 7 minutes left, which means only enough time for another 35 offensive drives per side.

Apparently, DeSean does something dumb that warrants a 15-yard penalty. Which makes sense, but since no cameras caught him doing it, we have only his version of events, which certainly sounds like something he’d do.

This actually turns out to be a big deal, because Fozzy Bear Whittaker gets to return the kickoff from the 10 instead of taking a touchback in his end zone. Colt Anderson knocks the ball out of his hands. It bounces right to Henery, who slides but can’t come up with it (not very good at handling balls). A bunch of Eagles and Chargers dive for the ball and can’t recover, knocking it further and further into Eagles territory until Chargers safety/special teams ace/some guy Darrell Stuckey scoops it up and rolls to the Eagles 38.

It takes three minutes and seven plays for Eddie and the Royals to make another appearance.

30-27. As so many have said before, you can’t stop a talent like Eddie Royal; you can only hope to contain him.

Turns out Royal got sprung on the screen by the King himself, who finally found someone he can successfully block: Nate Allen.

I GOT 'IM, MA! I GOT 'IM!

Nice work, King. Good boy.

Vick’s first throw is a little behind Avant. For some reason, this made me think how insane this offense would be if Maclin was healthy. Man.

After the first throw, Vick looks sharp as a tack the next few plays, quickly (perhaps too quickly) and efficiently (perhaps too efficiently) moving things down the field. But on first and goal, Vick gets absolutely wrecked by Jarius Wynn right after releasing the ball.

Vick has to leave the game for a play, according to DA RULES…unless Chipper calls timeout and subs him back in after. Chip’s still learning the ol rulebook, though, and puts in Nick “White Lightning” Foles for one play, enough for Foles to overthrow DeSean in the end zone just before the two-minute warning.

"Well guys, it's been real. See you in like three months."

Vick comes back in for third down, but his pass for Avant is knocked away by Marcus Gilchrist on a play Cary Williams would surely have been flagged for.

Henery’s kick goes left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right again before wiggling inside the left upright. Sheesh. 30-30, with 1:52 left for Prick Rivers to play with.

"Mmm mmm mmm, I can almost taste the victory Subway I'm about to CRUSH, man. Gonna be CRUSHING some MAD Subway after this, dawg."

Antonio Gates. Remember him? Billy Davis doesn’t, because there are still 0 people successfully defending him. I legitimately don’t know if Gates is healthy and spry again, or if Davis put concrete knee braces on each of his players before the game.

The D finally forces Rivers to throw a ball away, which mostly just magnifies how little pressure they’ve gotten on Rivers to that point. Strong showing by the San Diego O-line, but this was a frightening lack of success by the Birds front seven.

HOBJ picks up a short third down in the flat. The Chargers burn a timeout. HOBJ runs up the middle to center the kick for Not Nate Kaeding…then Kelly calls timeout, because….um….uh…well…ahahahaha. This happens two more times, allowing the Chargers to get closer and closer.

So let me level with you for a second. There are a lot of things in this world I don’t understand. I don’t understand basic medical science. I don’t get why the college kids who wander around Main Street think they’re actually impervious to the damage that can be caused by my car colliding with them. I can maybe name like four Supreme Court justices on a good day.

But I don’t think I will ever understand why Chip Kelly decided to use all his timeouts with 20 seconds left in a tie game and the Chargers on the periphery of field goal range. Absolutely none. I know more about Clarence Thomas than I know about that strategy. (To be fair, I probably know more about Clarence Thomas than Clarence Thomas does)

Not Nate Kaeding lines up with 11 seconds left, and slides a 46-yarder inside the left upright. 33-30.

But remember, this is not excessive celebration. Not at all.

Squib kick, failed hook-and-ladder, and you can all go home now.

Couple thoughts:

·      This is kind of what you can expect from this team this year. For the 20-25 seconds they were on the field, the offense looked fantastic. The defense is simply...not good. One punt, two turnovers, and a kneel down to end the first half were the only Charger drives that didn’t result in points. And the San Diego offensive line manhandled any Eagle pass rush and blitz.

·      The “Shady McCoy for MVP” discussion can begin right now.

·      Phil Rivers looks like a completely different football player from the past two seasons. He’s still human junk. Mike McCoy is your early Coach of the Year candidate.

·      Michael Vick hasn’t looked this on-point since 2010. Which means, watch him turn it over a half dozen times Thursday night.

·      Speaking of which, tomorrow night is Reid-McNabb-palooza. Not gonna lie, there could be a tear shed here at the No Doubles Offense household. Also, the Thursday night games are still the worst part of football season.

Fly, Eagles, fly.