Last year, I started this blog to dump all my Eagles
writing, but I quickly found my favorite part of the week was re-watching the
games and recapping them with a whole bunch of pictures and dumb jokes. Maybe
it was somewhat cathartic because last year’s team was so terrible. Maybe I
need to get some friends. But one way or another, I’m going to continue that
this season, starting with last Monday’s game in Washington.
Usually, I’ll preface these recaps with some little blurb,
but almost everything that could possibly happen in a football game happened in
this game, so for the sake of keeping your attention…
FIRST QUARTER
Damaris Johnson decides not to take the kickoff out from
eight yards deep, so that’s a start.
Vick strolls to the line, hits Football Michael Richards on
a six-yard hitch, and then, it’s off to the races. Sixteen seconds later, it’s
Celek down the seam for 28. DeSean breaks open a screen for 16 more. Shady picks up 6 on a draw. This takes
us all the way down to the…14-minute mark of the first quarter.
After missing Celek on a post drag and Shady picks up three
more, it’s 4th and 1 at the Washington 21. Kelly leaves the offense
in for a McCoy draw play that picks up the first down. We’re less than two
minutes into the Chip Kelly era and he is already all out of fucks to give.
Vick misses DeSean in the endzone, then Shady cuts a draw
play across the entire field to get inside the 5. Already looking naaaaaasty.
Then, less than three minutes into the game, the drive comes
to literally the worst possible end you can imagine. Remember last year’s Arizona game where the Eagles had the ball on the Cardinals’ goal line and
everyone (well, I) figured the worst thing that could happen was the Eagles run
out of time and fail to even get a field goal? And then Kerry Rhodes threw the
blindside Hit Stick on Vick and James Sanders ran it back 98 yards for a
Cardinals touchdown? Yeah, those were the salad days, all right.
Anyway, back to Monday, where in this case, surely the worst
thing that could happen would be that the Eagles somehow stall and end up with
just a field goal, right? Right?
Nope. Ryan Kerrigan decides to go all J.J. Watt on us and
swat Vick’s next pass. NO NO NO, NOT TODAY. Okay, no biggie, incomplete pass,
now it’s second and…hold on, where’s DeAngelo Hall going with the ball?
That arrogant dipshit. Doesn’t he know he’s gonna get a
delay of game pen-
Whatever. 7-0
Racistnames. (Hey, Peter King has his way of dealing with things and I have
mine)
This is a forward pass every day of the week plus GeoDay
(the new eighth day of the week where NFL refs get to pretend they’re experts
on parallel lines), but here’s why I wasn’t mad about it:
1. If they’d blown it dead, then it turned out to actually
be a backward pass and the quick whistle negated a Washington TD, how much
bitching and moaning would we here from their fans? This is the way refs should be handling these types of plays:
let it go and then look to see if it
should obviously be reversed, rather than blowing the play dead immediately and
basically cutting the recovering team’s chance of running the ball back short.
2. This was the absolute flukiest scenario that could’ve
closed out the opening drive. Odds of it happening again: zero in a
quadrazillion. This was the best the offense had looked in over two years, and
had it happened in either one of those years, it would’ve been absolutely
devastating because we all knew it would take at least another three games for
the Eagles to get that close to the end zone again. After that first drive
though….everyone knew something was different.
Case in point: the next drive, which starts with a 22-yard
catch-and-run from Vick to DeSean. D-Jax looks like a man ready to run a
marathon, far from the guy who was jogging through routes the past two years.
Maybe he’s looking for another contract to fund this sure-to-be-a-successrecord label.
McCoy and Bryce Brown push things forward, then Vick
misfires on a pair of passes to Avant and rookie tight end Zack “Ertz So Good”
Ertz. Ertz then fails to hold onto a 3rd-down catch with E.J Biggers
draped all over him.
Alex Henery goes out to kick the 48-yard field goal, but a
split second before the snap, Kelly pulls a Jason Garrett, freezing his own
kicker and challenging the incomplete call from the previous play. The
challenge is really dumb and the ruling on the field is “confirmed,” rather
than just “standing,” which is really a huge middle-finger to the challenging
coach. “Hey, we thought we were right before, but thanks to your dumbass
challenge, we’re SUPER right now!”
Henery bangs home another 48-yarder anyway because he’s an
automaton droid. 7-3.
RGIII finally gets to lead the Racistname offense onto the
field to a chorus of cheers. The first play is a handoff to Alfred Morris, who
immediately coughs it up after being hit by Trent Cole. Mychal Kendricks
recovers, and it’s Birds ball. Mike Shanahan begins scouting the sidelines for
crippled kids he could potentially put in at running back over Morris.
Vick gets a million years in the pocket on the next play and
makes them pay. DeSean in the back of the endzone. 10-7.
After two crummy Washington plays and a penalty, RGIII
throws to Santana Moss in triple coverage, because if there’s one guy you want
to count on to out-jump three defenders, it’s 80-year old, 4-foot-2 Santana
Moss. Brandon Boykin picks it off.
Eagles get backed up by a Jason Avant pass interference
penalty and Vick taking a sack. New not-awful punter Donnie Jones (we’ll miss
you, Chas Henry, and by that, I mean you suck) pins the Racistnames at the 5.
After Villanova grad Darrel Young drops a short pass on
first down (protip: if it’s not Brian Westbrook, you probably shouldn’t have
any Villanova football players on your team), RGIII and Morris screw up a pitch
play in their own end zone. Safety city. 12-7.
Eagles get ready for their fifth drive. There are just under five minutes
to go in the first quarter. Christ.
Vick scrambles for a first, but the drive bogs down and the
Eagles punt. By the way, this is what it looks like when everyone on the offensive line blows their
cut-blocks.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Racistnames run a couple plays to FINALLY get to the end of
the first quarter. Everybody take a deep breath.
Second
RGIII looks bad. No zip on any passes. Punt.
The Racistnames start coming up lame with “cramps,” as
learned in Master Thespian's School of “ACTING!” Tom Coughlin even thinks this is a bit much. The only guy on the Washington defense who maintains any sense of
pride is Kerrigan, who is a friggin’ animal and sacks Vick to end the drive.
Griffin and the offense go nowhere. Another punt.
Vick hits D-Jax on a crossing route to pick up a 3rd
down conversion. A step or two after Jackson gets out of bounds, DeAngelo Hall
gets his Roy Williams on and horse collars him to the ground. Flags everywhere.
DeSean goes after DeAngelo in return, but amazingly doesn’t get a flag. Yes, it
was a childish reaction, but he got pulled down on a late hit in a way that
legitimately could’ve ended his season. I’ll give him a pass this time.
Two plays later, Vick sells the play-action and zips one to
Celek, who bounces off one guy and strolls into the end zone. 19-7.
At this point, the Eagles have
run 22 pass plays and 22 rushing plays, and I need a glass of water and an
oxygen tank.
Three and out by the ‘Names, highlighted by a Cary Williams
sack on a corner blitz.
Shady and Bryce shoulder the load for the next drive,
gaining all but the last three yards of the drive. Those three go to Vick, who
rushes in on the option play. 26-7.
The Eagles are basically playing an entirely different sport than they were
last year.
The ‘Names take a bunch of penalties and basically give up
on the next drive. Halftime. Also, LeSean McCoy is already your league leader
in rushing yards. Chip Kelly has, for the time being, broken football.
THIRD
Well, it’s been like twenty minutes since the Racistnames
turned the ball over, so they’re due. Cary Williams extends for the pick
Damn.
Vick gets knocked out of bounds on the next play and takes
like half the Racistnames with him.
Next play, Shady gets jiggy with it. Good grief.
33-7. This is as good a time is any to remind you all that LeSean McCoy apparently says his last name to himself every time he
jukes a guy out. Everyone in a white shirt throwing blocks on this play, too. It’s a thing
of beauty.
This is when things get a little dicey. Emphasis on “a
little.” Griffin leads a pretty nice drive, picking apart the Eagle secondary.
The ‘Names get into Eagle territory for the first time all night, then advance
into the red zone, only to be slowed up by a DeMeco Ryans sack and a drop on 3rd
down.
Then Kai Forbath blows the field goal because FUCK you, Mike
Shanahan.
Shady comes out after a nice run on the next drive, and
everything goes to shit. Celek takes two penalties in one play, and an illegal
formation call backs the punt team up somewhere near the Botanical Gardens. Shady takes some time to get a good butt massage.
Finally, the Racistnames break through. Griffin completes a
few to Fred Davis, hits Garcon on a perfectly timed screen, and gives it to
Morris on a zone-read handoff in the red-zone. Paydirt.
33-14. Enjoy it
now before you get benched for some scrub in Week 8, Alfred.
Mike Tirico: “If the defense can come up with a big play
here, they’re not totally out of this one yet.” Two plays later, Jason Avant
fumbles. Go to hell, Mike Tirico.
Just get down, Jason. I mean, yeah, effort and hustle and extra yards and all that, but jeez, man.
A couple plays later, it’s Griffin tossing it to Leonard
Hankerson, who beats Jordan Poyer for six. Yep, it’s that time of the game when
Jordan Poyer is getting PT.
33-20, after the
‘Names blow the 2-point conversion.
Vick takes an option play for a 36-yard run, then comes up
gimpy after the tackle because Mike Vick is a reckless 5-year old boy with ADHD
who happens to be made of fine china.
Kelly’s offense doesn’t prove nearly as adept at bleeding
the clock. The drive ends with a punt.
Griffin starts completing every single throw. The defense
looks gassed, having been on the field a vast majority of the second half.
Jordan Poyer is still on the field a whole lot for some reason.
Eagles escape after a great deflection by Cary Williams on 4th
and 15, though, and the offense takes over on downs. If he’s going to play this
well all year (which I don’t think he will, but still), Cary Williams can miss
every voluntary training camp ever and he’d be okay in my book.
Vick and the offense run off some clock and force the ‘Names
to burn their timeouts. Moss takes a fair-catch punt at the 10 with 3:42 to go.
Certainly, with Washington out of timeouts, down by 2 touchdowns and with 90
yards between them and the end zone, the Eagles have done enough for their
defense, as in-flux as they are, to protect this lead even if they stay in the
prevent defense the entire time. Certainly!
“Not if I have anything to say about it!” – Patrick Chung.
33-27. Seriously,
are you kidding me, Patrick Chung? Who do you think you are, DIKEMBE
MUTO---okay, I’m done. Holy hell though, even Rahim Moore thinks Patrick Chung
mistimed that.
Racistnames boot the onsides kick right to Avant, who
bobbles it for just long enough for everyone to go into cardiac arrest.
Eventually, though, the refs give the ball to the Birds, and it’s ballgame.
wipes sweat off brow
OTHER NOTES:
--Mychal Kendricks
and Fletcher Cox looked great. Cox had two sacks and Kendricks racked up a ton
of tackles and the fumble recover. Would be really nice for Kendricks to become
the supremely athletic counterpart to DeMeco Ryans’ veteran savvy in the
middle.
--Even when the
Eagles were in the prevent for a big chunk of the second half, the ‘Names were
beating blitzes with well-timed short passes and screens. Still, the Eagles
still won the time of possession battle, 32:39 – 27:21.
--Shady looked
otherworldly, but I wouldn’t mind seeing a little more Bryce Brown and Chris
Polk in the second and third quarters to save his legs.
--I’m serious about
the Alfred Morris thing. Hear me now, believe me later, Roy Helu will be the
starting running back in Washington by Week 8. This is coming from someone who
has Alfred Morris on his fantasy team too, for what it’s worth.
--The San DiegoSuper Chargers (very important song in that link) roll into town for the home opener next week. No more Norv to
kick around, but at least we still get to watch Phil Rivers act like a baby
back bitch. And really, that’s almost better than a win.
Fly, Eagles, fly.
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